i was never fluent in silence. i spoke empty words and talked too much and i talked about talking too much because silence scares me. i never liked her, the beautiful figure of not saying anything. the worth of not shooting a gun of words at any given time to kill the possibility of a question.

silence means letting go. not controlling the situation. always being the one to ask questions, doing sneaky topic changes, never letting anyone get to close to me. safety hazards to the perfect daughter / student / friend not allowed. shooting bullets at every moment of nothing.

i hate hearing myself talk. i know i drown myself and others in stories, that are neither new nor funny to them or me. i can’t change that. no matter how hard i try. silence scares me. silence will scare me. forever.